saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
