You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I'm like, not good at living.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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