I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
