I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
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