is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
