my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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