i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Randomize
