You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
