Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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