sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize