Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize