Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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