I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
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