What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
