i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Less talking, more tequila
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
