I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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