i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
