The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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