mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Randomize
