I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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