some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
