I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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