he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
