God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Randomize
