our cab driver is having phone sex.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Randomize
