I hope mine doesn't look like that
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize