Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I am naked and annoyed.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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