Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
he's gonorrhea incarnate
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Randomize
