There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
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