I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
how do flat chested girls get laid?
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
