My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
