i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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