I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
