Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
