I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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