there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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