I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
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