she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
COCAINE IS GR8
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize