Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
