Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
