Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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