my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
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