Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I just got carded by a ten year old.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
