I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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