I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
