I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Randomize
