Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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