What did we do last night that was yellow?
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
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