I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
