well I can't set my house on fire every night
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
