I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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