You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Randomize
