I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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