Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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