I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
