I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Randomize
