Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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