There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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