piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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