"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Randomize
