i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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