Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
