You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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